Rodger

Female Controller:      American 234 heavy, can you climb to flight level 330 in the next five to ten miles?

Pilot :                           Well Ma'am, we'll try and get it up that fast, but can't guarantee

Female Controller :     I understand, A lot of You guys have that problem!

 

 Pilot :               Tower, this is Archer 319, request instructions for descent.

TWR :              Archer 319, push the nose down!

 

Pilot:               Tower, DLH 791, abandon take-off, we got a bird strike!

Tower:             Roger, turn right next taxiway to the apron.

Pilot:               Wilco.

Tower:             Und wo sind jetzt die Vögel ?

Pilot:               Wo sind wohl die Vögel? Im Triebwerk natürlich.

 

Pilot:               "BAG324, passing 130 for 60 . . . und wir haben den kleinen 'Oscar' dabei."                                   
Controller:       "BAG324 , squawk 0411, 'Oscar' stimmt, aber passen Sie auf, der wird in sieben Minuten 'Papa'."

 

Controller nach der Landung einer British Airways-Maschine:

"Just let you know on the approach you were a little left of the centerline."       
Pilot: "That is correct, Sir. And my first officer was slightly to the right."            

 

Pilot:               "Cotonou Tower, 5NAAF VFR from Lagos to Cotonou reporting national boundary this time estimate your field at 10.15."

Tower:             " Ah, Ah, fife Novemba Affa Affa Foxetott watta you tipe of avion?"
Pilot:               "This is a DHCI Chipmunk."                      
Tower:             "....ah, say again."                         
Pilot:               "DHCI Chipmunk . . . . . C H I P M U N K."              
Tower:             "Aahah...... a shitmonk!"

 

Pilot:               Tower, I´m just airborne and reporting a birdstrike.

Tower:             Do you have any problems ?

Pilot:               I´ve no problems, the bird got the problems.

 

Tower:             Alitalia 194 - taxi to rwy 28, hold short
AZ194:             Ahhh, yes, taxi to rwy 28
Tower:             AZ194, cleared for take-off
AZ194:             Ahhh, two minutes, need preflight (checks)
30 Sekunden später:

Tower:             Alitalia 194, YOU ARE CLEARED FOR TAKE OFF NOW.
AZ194:             Ehmmm, yes, yes, take off in two minutes
....In der Zwischenzeit: Rwy 16 hatte eine 737 mit einem Platten, Rwy 14 war überlastet, also nahm man eine 767 von Cincinnati auf 28. Die Crew der 767 war nun 8 Stunden unterwegs...
Tower:             Alitalia 194, expedite take-off, we have Delta 767 final on 28 2 miles!
AZ194:             Ahhh, we need 30 more seconds...
DL104:             Hey Spaghetti, take-off or I'll fuck you from behind!
Ich konnte mich im Cockpit kaum erholen - die AZ194 hob Space-Shuttlemäßig ab...

 

Vor einigen Jahren über dem Atlantik:
Bei einem jungen, unerfahrenen Kontroller der Oceanic Control Shannon meldet sich am Funk eine von der Luftfahrtshow Farnborough zurückfliegende SR-71 "Blackbird" der U.S. Luftwaffe (Höchstgeschw.: Mach 3,5; Maximale Flughöhe: FL1000!).
SR-71: "Good morning, Shannon, Blackbird 7, request FL600."
Kontroller, mit den Flugleistungen nicht vertraut:
"Ähhh, if you can fly level 600, then cleared level 600."
SR-71: "Roger, leaving 800 for 600."
(Angeblich wies das Mikrophon des Controllers nachher deutliche Bissspuren auf!)

 

 Wegen eines Blitzschlages ist einer Alitalia DC-9 im Anflug auf Mailand das halbe Cockpit ausgefallen, und der Kapitän jammert über Funk den Controller an:

"Ah.., Altimeter out of service, Transponder out of service, ....."
So geht das einige Zeit, bis er eine kurze Pause einlegt, und am Funk die tiefe an John Wayne erinnernde Stimme eines alten Pan Am-Kapitäns ertönt:
"Shut up, Spaghetti, and die like a man!!!!"

 

Tower:             You have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!
Pilot:               give us another hint, we have digital watches!

 

Flugschüler:    "Lichtenfels Info, D-EITN, im rechten Queranflug Landebahn 22, zum Durchstarten und Aufsetzen."
Turm:              "D-EITN, ich habe eine große Bitte: erst aufsetzen und dann durchstarten!"

 

Tower:             "Delta Mike Zulu, after landing cleared to taxi Alpha 7, Alpha 5, Whiskey 2, Delta 1 and Oscar 2."
Pilot:               "Wo ist denn das, wir kennen uns hier noch nicht so aus ?"
Tower:             "Das macht nichts. Ich bin auch erst zwei Tage hier."

 

Tower:             "LH 8610 cleared for take-off."
Pilot (LH 8610): "Wir sind aber noch gar nicht gelandet."
Tower:             "Ja, wer steht denn da auf der 26 south ? "
Pilot (LH 8801)  "LH 8801."
Tower:             "Na ja, dann seid ihr cleared for take-off."

 

Hubschrauber-Lehrer (zu seinem Flugschüler):

"Sehen Sie zu, dass Sie innerhalb der betonierten Fläche bleiben."
Und nach ein paar Minuten: "Ach was, bleiben Sie wenigstens im Land !"

 

Controller:       "DE..., fliegen Sie weiter im Gegenanflug für die 26, Landenummer 2 hinter einer DC 9 im kurzen Endteil."
Pilot:               "Verstanden, fliege weiter für die 29 und folge der DC 6."
Controller:       "Nicht ganz richtig: Die Landebahn war 26 und Ihr Verkehr eine DC 9."
Pilot:               "Okay, ich folge der DC 26... Wie war die Landebahn ?"

 

Controller:       "Delta Bravo Charlie, ist Ihr Squawk wirklich sieben null vier sechs?"
Pilot:               "Positiv."
Controller:       "Ich mag's kaum glauben, Sie haben eine angezeigte Höhe von minus neunzig Fuß."

 

Tower:             "Lufthansa 893, number one, check car on the runway."
Pilot:               "Roger we'll check the car on the runway."

 

Pilot:               "Tower, da brennt ein Runway-light."
Lotse:              "Ich hoffe, da brennen mehrere."
Pilot:               "Sorry, ich meine, es qualmt."

 

Controller:       "Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago ?"
Pilot:               "Negativ, Sir. It's only the same pilot."

 

Controller:       "RFG 312, fliegen Sie direkt nach Olno VOR. Brauchen Sie einen Radar-Vektor ?"
Pilot:               "Nein, es geht auch so, wir können das VOR schon empfangen. Es liegt genau in der Richtung, wo der Mond steht."
Controller:       "Ja, aber den haben wir nicht auf dem Radarschirm."

 

Controller (in Stuttgart):          "Lufthansa 5680, reduce to 170 knots."
Pilot:                                       "Das ist ja wie in Frankfurt. Da gibt's auch nur 210 und 170 Knoten...Aber wir sind ja flexibel."
Controller:                              "Wir auch. Reduce to 173 knots."

 

Washington D.C., Clearance Delivery:

Tower:             German Air Force 269, you are cleared to Destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept j156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept j158 own navigation. Read back.

GAF 269:          Roger German Air Force 269 is cleared to Destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept j156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept j158 own navigation and I need another pencil.

 

Tower:             "Delta Oscar Mike, squawk 0476."
Pilot:               "Say again."
Tower:             "Squawk 0476."
Pilot:               "Four, zero...? "
Tower:             "Wollen Sie'n leichteren haben ?"

 

From a disgruntled Southwest Airlines employee....

"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

 

The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short-tempered lot. They not only expected you to know your parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.

 

Speedbird 206:            "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."
Ground:                       "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate."

The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

Ground:                       "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206:            "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."
Ground:                       "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop."

 

Pilot to tower:   …. I am 300 miles from land . . . 600 feet over water . . . and running out of fuel . . . please instruct!
Tower to pilot : . . . repeat after me: "Our Father, which art in heaven . . ."

 

Controller:       USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland Center 135.6.

(pause)

Controller:       USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.6.

(pause)

Controller:       USA353 you're just like my wife -- you never listen!

Pilot:               Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!

 

ATC:                "N123YZ, say altitude."

N123YZ:           "ALTITUDE!"

ATC:                "N123YZ, say airspeed."

N123YZ:           "AIRSPEED!"

ATC:                "N123YZ, say cancel IFR."

N123YZ:           "Eight thousand feet, one hundred fifty knots indicated."

 

Tower :            Aircraft on final, go around, go around !! Your gear is still up.

Pilot :              Say again, there is a horn making such a noise !

 

Controller :      DLH098, turn left heading 090.

Pilot :              What is that heading good for ?

Controller :      For separation , Sir

Pilot :              Roger, turning.

 

GCA :               ....do you have any problems ?

Pilot :              I think, I have lost my compass.

GCA :               ...judging the way you are flying, it looks like you have lost the whole instrument panel

 

Pilot:               ". . . . good mornig, Sir, . . . . . . ."
Controller        (unterbricht): "Don't call me 'Sir', I have to work for my Money!"

 

Tower:             "Have you got enough fuel or not?"
Pilot:               "Yes."
Tower:             "Yes, what?"
Pilot:               "YES, SIR!"

 

Controller:       "Phantom-Formation crossing controlzone without clearance, state your callsign !"
Pilot:               "I'm not silly..."

 

Controller:       "Japanair 123 confirm you are on course to ARURA?"
Pilot:               "Ah, Logel, Logel."
Controller:       " No, no, Sir. Not to LOGEL. It is not on your route!"

 

Pilot:               "...Tower, please call me a fuel truck."
Tower:             "Roger. You are a fuel truck."

 

Pilot:               "Santa Monica Tower, be advised that there are numerous Piegons on short final"
Tower:             "Roger. They are all on frequency and cleared to land."

 

Controller:       "Hotel Papa Oscar climb four thousand to six thousand and maintain."
Pilot:               "Hotel Papa Oscar, climbing flight level 100."
Controller:       "Hotel Papa Oscar, climb to flight level 60 and maintain."
Pilot:               "Aber vier plus sechs ist doch zehn, oder?"
Controller:       "Sie sollen steigen, nicht addieren."

 

Pilot:               "Frankfurt, good morning, this is LH 348 request start up"
Ground:           "LH 348, sorry, expect start up in 40 minutes"
Pilot:               "Confirm, 40 minutes delay?"
Ground:           "Affirmative."
Pilot:               "In this case, cancel the good morning"

 

Pilot:               " November 123 on a very short final, understand I'm cleared to land?"
Tower:             "Oh, who is talking?"
Pilot:               "Me!"

 

Controller:       "Flight 2431, for noise abatement turn 45 degrees to the right . . ."
Pilot:               "Roger, but Center, we are at 35'000 feet, how much noise can we make up here ?"
Controller:       "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it hits a 727 ?"

Controller:       "CRX 500, are you on course to SUL?"
Pilot:               "More or less"
Controller:       "So proceed a little bit more to SUL."

 

Tower:             "N2234, are you a Cessna ?"
Pilot:               "No Sir, I'm a male hispanic."

 

Pilot (LH 876):  ".....request heading 110 to avoid."
Controller:       "To avoid what ?"
Pilot (LH 876): "To avoid delay."

 

Pilot:               "Bratislava Tower, this is Oscar Oscar Kilo estabished ILS 16."
Tower:             "Oscar Oscar Kilo, Guten Tag, cleared to land 16, wind calm - and by the way: this is Wien Tower."
Pilot: . . . .  . . . "Bratislava Tower, Oscar Oscar Kilo passed the outer marker."
Tower:             "Oscar Oscar Kilo roger, and once more: you are approaching Vienna!"
Pilot:               (Nach einer Denkpause) "Confirm, this is NOT Bratislava?"
Tower:             "You can believe me, this is Vienna!
Pilot: . . . . . . . ."But why? We want to go to Bratislava, not to Vienna!"
Tower:             "Oscar Oscar Kilo, roger. Discontinue approach, turn left 030 and climb to 5000 feet, vectors to Bratislava."

 

Pilot:               "Bangor Departure, this is Cessna Four Seven Six Fife."
Controller:       " Cessna Four Seven Six Fife, Bangor go ahead."
Pilot:               "Bangor, I don't seem to be making much progress here. How is my groundspeed ?"
Controller:       "Well, allo depends. If you are a hang glider, you are doing right well."

 

Tower:             "Alitalia 439, line up and wait runway 23L."
Pilot:               "Roger, line up and wait, Alitalia 23L."

 

Tower:             "GAF 2133, you are cleared to .... 
via ...., ...., after departure climb to ....,
then turn .... and climb to ...., cross .... not below ...,
cross .... at or above ...., 
squawk .... Further instructions on ...., 
read back please".

Pilot:               "Sorry tower, say again, you were blocked out by guard."

(Tower:            "Gmmphff!!) 

Tower:             "Roger, you are cleared to ....  via ...., ...., after departure climb to .... ... read back".

Pilot:               "Roger tower, we are cancelling IFR."

 

Controller:       "Delta Foxtrott November, turn right and report your heading."
Pilot:               "Wilco, 340, 341, 342, 343, 344, 345, . . . . . . ."

 

Pilot:               "Tower can you give me a rough timecheck?"
Tower:             "Well it´s Friday, Sir!"

 

Pilot:               "Frankfurt Information, hier Delta Bravo Zulu. Wir sind jetzt über Dinkelsbühl in Flugfläche 95."
Tower:             "Sie sollten doch München Information rufen !"
Pilot:               "Ja, weiss ich, aber bei Ihnen gefällt mir das Programm besser."

 

Eine DC-3, ohne Farbanstrich, aber mit gepflegt glänzender Aluminiumhaut, rollt zum Start.
Tower:             "N147, what kind of polish do you use?"
Pilot:               "Speed only, Sir."

 

Tower              (zu einer SF340 Besatzung): "Wer ist denn nun schneller, so 'ne Dash 8 oder 'ne Saab?"
Pilot:               "Die Saab natürlich!"
Tower:             "Gut, dann müssen Sie noch warten."

 

Absetzpilot:     "Düsseldorf Radar, Guten Tag, D-EFCC, Deppenwerfen over Meiersberg, request climb to flight level 100."

 

Pilot:               "Delta Echo Delta Victor Golf, Standort Teerweg 4, erbitte Platzanweisung für einige Platzrunden."
Turm:              "Delta Victor Golf, Platzanweisung gibt's im Kino."

 

Pilot:               "Information, Delta Kilo November, kann ich über SULZ und TANGO fliegen?"
Controller:       "Delta Kilo November, fliegen Sie weiter nach gutdünken."
Pilot:               "Aber ich möchte nach Egelsbach."

 

Turm               (fragt ergänzend nach dem Flugzeugmuster): "Und was ist Ihr Typ?"
Pilot:               "Rothaarig."

 

Tower Controller zu der Besatzung eines Charter-Airliners nach einer etwas harten Landung:
"'. . . .ne Landung soll ja kein Geheimnis sein. Die Passagiere sollen ruhig, wissen wenn sie unten sind."
Pilot:    "Macht aber nichts, die klatschen trotzdem."

 

Pilot:               "Rollkontrolle, Delta ...cho ...ber vo...., erbitte Rollfreigabe."
Turm:             
"Wie heissen Sie nochmal?"
Pilot:
              "Hettmannsberger."

©  Jörg-Dieter Lau   2003 - 2017
Mail: joerg@joerg-lau.de